ceLina // 16+ ; Fairfield Primary/Fairfied Secondary/Jurong Junior College ; Choir/Red Cross ; Christian ; Black/Red/Purple ; Love to Sing.
Music/Bands // Evanescence ; My Chemical Romance ; NickelBack ; Megan Maccauley ; Kelly Clarkson .
ThePeopleThatTurnMyRosesRed // Amanda ; * Batman ; Georgina ; Julia ; * Kathryn ; Kenneth ; LyDia ; Sherlyn ; tiMo ; Yuliang ; Jie ying ; Joel;Cherie
;noteworthy // nartz (please do not remove this.)
leaveanote
//
[sample]
Strange In The Making
[ :: Freaky 15 ]
[ :: Fiesty 14 ]
Present Bloodstains and Dried Up Teardrops
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
:: home ::
Save me from my insecurity.
thoughtprocesses.
Monday, September 27
[Strictly only to be read by the "victims" in my blog with the exception of my kor]
Hurt and afraid.
Weather: Cloudy, Full moon
Listening to: Say something anyway/Bellefire
Dear Shadow,
I've been feeling really horrid these 3 days ever since my friend told me something that I don't know if I should know. * but the hurt generated will always be there * When I first heard it, my world went upside down, my emotions were all lumped up into one which I could not express and think logically. The next day, I still couldn't think logically, I was going insane so I decided to look for my kor. I didn't know he had debrief at that time so i just kept on talking to him about my feelings and how I felt.
While talking to my kor, he made me listen to the fact that everyone is different and you cannot expect the same thing out of everyone. It was hard to accept it. I'll list the reasons why later. I felt kind of misunderstood by him as well because I felt he didn't realise what I was going through, firstly, because I was a girl. Secondly, because I was more conservative. Why did I feel that way? It may seem silly for me to talk like that but he asked me to take the first initiative because he also felt that things weren't going anywhere, I suppose. So my day just went on... dreading every moment. Hoping to find comfort in someone who could guide me and give me advice.
Only later on in the night, I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to call kathryn, or either way. I got so upset when I talked about it. At first her comments were about the same as my kor, I was so tempted to just release my anguish in a "girly" manner, not like screaming or shouting if u were thinking about it, I'm trying not to make it obvious here. But later on, I realised she understood my postion. I really want to thank her for talking to me when I really need help. She reminded me of myself. Sorry not an insult, I only meant my old self where I used to criticise guys like crazy, because I felt that they were idiots and unfeeling creatures who keep on hurting us girls, which is partially true. Basically, I hated guys as much as I hated to like someone. I couldn't stop myself still. As much as you want to refuse it, it won't go away and you just keep on falling in deeper and deeper. Earlier on, I was doubting if I really liked him because the feeling was inconsistant, but after what happened the last two days, I'm sure that this is one of the most serious, if not the most serious so far. Why did I say so? I've been through a major rejection before in this case I've grown wiser, yet I still make the same mistake even after knowing I should not have. The only people who are able to make water flow from my windows are people who have great importance in my life, and he did suceed in doing so.
I was really afraid or paranoid, in other words I think tooo much, to sms him yesterday. Firstly, I do not have the right to go and bother him in anytime of the day. Next, I was afraid he would have found me irritating. Then I began to think and think and think. Soon enough, I began to ask myself if he was avoiding me because I was probably bugging him too much. Then I started to think about what his friend said, in case you didn't know his friend was my friend which was why I got soo affected. I was seriously going nuts, then I realised, I needed to know if he liked me, because I don't want to end up being so overly sensitive and paranoid and idiotic. I mean somehow water trickling from those raven black beads did not seem so horrid after all.
As I lay on my bed, my thoughts ran across my mind. I finally realised why I felt so hurt and upset over what my friend said.
[disappointed] because I felt that I was willing to risk it even though i seriously knew what the consequences were. Probably I was already prepared to be let down because of a more substantial reason like I need to concentrate on my studies or I have another girl in mind but not daring because of the possible amount of pain it will come together with it. Life is about risks, if there is no pain there is no gain. How can there be happiness and thankfulness when we do not experience defeat and loss. I'm a girl yet I was willing to give it my all. For me it is hard especially when you have to make a choice between staying as friends or taking a step further. I was afraid, afraid to lose everything. Now that he knows already, I can only wait and think. In my eyes, I already feel shameless.
[hurt] I blame myself for not being competent enough to forget about his pain. I know it hard and its difficult because I've been through something similar. I feel so useless.
there are other reasons but these are the main ones.... yeap... I really don't know how to go about telling him this and I don't think he should know either because 1) he will get freaked out after reading this. I mean think about it, which ever girl lets the guy she likes know that her days are so horrid partially because of him. 2) I would have more reason to avoid him because I don't dare and feel so embaressed to say anything about this issue. Maybe I just need more time or something. I know I'll be always the loser. I should trust in God for he will make sure I will be safe and sound. He will always take care of me
Thank you kathryn, for letting me stay at your house. Sorry for all the inconviniences I've brought to you. I feel that I've burdened you alot. Actually, I didn't want to go home because I knew that if I ended up at home, I would start thinking too much and end up feeling all fuddy about it. I didn't want to go to orchard because I knew I would still think about it. Thank you for keeping me company today. I really appreciate it =)
-// Please set me free
*ceLina
runaway