thoughtprocesses.
Sunday, March 27
First time.
Weather: Cloudy, rainy
Listening to: Hear Me/Kelly Clarkson
Dear Shadow,
Today is one of the worst days of my life. Everything still seemed fine in the morning and then, my mother had to say those words. " Don't participate in any other competitions after this." I reluctantly said yes. But deep in my heart I rejected those words. It brought back painful memories. I remembered when I was Primary 6, I told my mother I wanted to take up singing lessons. My mother laughed at the thought and brushed the thought away thinking that it was only a silly ambition which i was taking lightly. Four years later, I'm still passionate about singing and I did take up voice lessons. A recent lesson which allowed my mother to meet up with my new teacher made me feel some what unhappy. My mother said, "Actually if you wanted to be a singer, you should have started earlier." I was angry but I was able to calm myself down telling myself, its still not too late. I've never been good at anything, never. This was my only option out to shine. I've always been seen as dull and stupid, fat was one of them.
My mother often criticises the way I look asking me not to eat so much or not I'll be fat. If I told her I gained weight she would condemn me.
I understand that she is worried about my results, but pressurising me doesnt do any good, in fact it makes me feel more depressed. "Do you know Chua Buay Hee's son had to retain in JC1?", " Do you know Qeok Chin's daughter is in MGS? Do you know she take triple science?". Ever since secondary 3, my life has become a total wreck. First, my mother would openly tell my grandmother that I was stupid just because I couldnt go into a double science class. She would ignore me, throw her tantrums. It was the month of december that i cried for nearly the whole week. On top of that I wasnt allow to be angry at her because my grandmother would berate me for it. I didnt have my rights. To do anything that I wanted to do or to be truly happy. She killed my dreams and my passion for drawing, constantly discouraging me, often suggesting that I should be a physiotherapist. Why? Because she liked it. She thinks its good because of their working hours. Because she likes it therefore i have to abide to it. On top of that, I remember how she forced me to join red cross because SHE WAS IN IT BEFORE, then I wasnt allowed to join choir. Now she tells the teacher once the period of lessons end, I would withdraw from the next class. She's obviously killing my interest.
My mother is a wonderful mother to some. She was a wonderful mother to me. But as the days go by,I hardly see her except for the few spare hours at night and during the weekends. She uses material things to buy me back. I dont need it. What do I need? Love, understanding and patience, to top it all off wit. My mother is a hypocrite. Infront of me, she can spout rubbish and ignore it as nonsensical rubbish when it meant alot to me. You know she doesnt understand ANYTHING about me trust me. I'm really frustrated everytime i talk to her.
She was one of the reasons why I didnt start a relationship. The pressure she gave me about BGR drove me nuts * There were alot of other factors why but this was one* that I broke down. But it was cool. He didnt really love me at all. Until now I still feel hurt and betrayed. I really do. To the point I feel like crying. If I had to name 3 people who could hurt me the most, my mother and he will be on the list, the third person would be my best friend, kathryn. She's almost like my life line now. I know she's there and she cares for me even though we hardly email each other. I know she will always be there for me even though there maybe times when she feels frustrated. I just want to let her know that i love her very much and that I can't wait for her to come back.
I am really lonely at JJ.. I'm trying to make friends but its just so hard. I hope every thing goes alright because right now i'm very susceptible to depression. Maybe I am in depression. Its been a long while since someone heard me out.
In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)
What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
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